Three Absurdities
by Simon Oosterhuis ︎︎︎A tin soldier loses his mind when confronted with complex social problems. He does not understand the difficulties which gentrification causes for the lower classes. This is noticed by the bumblebee, who has spent years studying these matters. With his soft hands he places a bowl of wisdom in the intestines of the tin soldier, who is immediately enlightened. He spends the rest of his short life battling class injustice and creaking of cheap flooring. His efforts are rewarded by the maire and several reporters. They give him a nickname showing their love and affection: ‘sweet metalhead, lowerer of rent.’
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The gnome criticizes the earlobes of the goldfish. He finds fault with their texture and their colour is also not to his liking. He suggests a special ointment which he is ready to sell at market price. This offer is accepted by the goldfish, who receives a broom into the bargain. His earlobes gets smoother and creamier by the day and his den has never been so clean. He invites the gnome to celebrate, which is a mistake. He is drugged and his ears are removed. These adorn the head of the gnome from then on, complementing his pink nose.
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The mouse carves his snout into a fine point. He dips it in ink and writes a letter to his niece, a stone-cold lobster who hasn’t cried since she was born. She receives her mail one fine afternoon and learns to her surprise that the mouse has gone into business with a pencil sharpener from below the equator. Her heart is filled with envy when she sees the photograph that accompanies the letter and shows the mouse and his associate on a white beach. She sniggers when she examines his nose. It is still splattered with ink and already blunt.